Red Hot Non Stop Liberation Action All Night Long Baby!
As the news starts bringing us pictures of coffins draped in American flags it becomes especially unnerving and offensive to see the Army recruitment commercials on Television. Their "Army of One" campaign, with all the glamorous images of soldiers shining proudly in combat, that gleam in their eye that says, “Soon as we’re done with this hard core macho training exercise I’m so gonna get laid”, it’s different than what combat looks like on the news. But who am I gonna believe? I’m waiting till it goes further. Till Madison Ave and Pennsylvania Ave intersect to bring us;
“YO, O.G.s, You, my homeys, are some seriously bad ass motherfuckers. Aint it time y’all got your war on. Join us. We planning one hard core drive by on Baghdad, and then we gonna get down and party with our new homeys that done been liberated. Its "Operation Liberate and Celebrate", and at this after-party, the drinks are on the house. I should also mention, I’ve seen behind a burka or two, and some of them babies do be havin’ the back, if ya know what I'm talkin' about. Oh, and did we mention all the sex with white women!?! Why everybody loves them some sex with white women. (Cut to Mrs. April 2004 'Howdy boys. Liberation is my favorite lubrication'."
We have this Idea that these people suffering under Saddam are sitting there saying “Man, that Saddam sucks. I wish we had some western style democracy, yes sir.”
No. Many of them are rubbing their beards saying, “hmmm, when I'm dictator, I tell ya... I won’t be putting up with this bullshit Saddam puts up with, no sir.”
And believe it or not, there are fundamentalists over there going, “The Taliban. Yeah, that’s what we need. That'd bring us a little law and order. My goodness have you seen how short some of these girls are wearing their burkas. And so many of them can read. Oh, how many years will it take to make them forget that.”
These are the same people who if they lived here would be voting for Pat Robertson or Jerry Fallwell.
So in we come, getting our war on, and we expect “Oh thank god the Americans are here. American democracy and value are here at last.”
But more likely they’ll get “Hmmm, they want to topple Saddam. Okay, let’s not get involved in case they decide not to finish the job like last time. I can’t afford to lose another leg you know. But try not to get in their way. Let them get rid of him for us. Damn, Being dictator is so gonna rock. OH YEAH. And I tell you, I’m not gonna let these American mess with me like Saddam did. No sir, I’m gonna kick some ass. Oh yeah, just as soon as I deal with them fuckin’ Kurds. Uppity son’s of bitches. What… what’s that Allah….oh yes, yes of course I’ll kill the Shiite Muslims as well, that’s a given.”
Dont' get me wrong. There are tons of good, hard working intelligent people in Iraq. But few of them are big fans of the US, and when you look at some of the beautiful gifts we've given them in the past, like that great man Saddam that we helped to power in the first place, they may not be too anxious to unwrap the big box o' liberation we're sending over with the camouflage wrapping paper and the big pretty mushroom cloud shaped bow. They may not choose to accept our gift certificates redeemable for American Democracy and American Values.
And it leads me to ask this; Doesn’t a majority have to want democracy for democracy to be democratic?
And what the hell are American Values? They have TV over there. They’ve seen The Bachelor. They’ve seen Married by America. And they saw how Bush got elected. American values are going to be a hard sell.
Especially to those freedom hating bastards in Iraq, and all those other places that aint America. God Damn do I hate them places.